A Rainy Saturday

It is very rare to have a moment to myself.  Even more rare to not feel the compulsion to knock something off my to-do list.  One thing I am learning is that the to-do list is always there.  The over-achiever in me feels worthless unless I am working at or on something.  This has haunted me my entire adult life.  My fear of not being productive can be overwhelming at times.  It was born out of necessity.  No one was going to do this "stuff" for me. I have always been perceived by those who really know me as responsible, practical, and strong...a real go-getter.  Things always get taken care of, bills get paid, insurance gets renewed, appointments are met, and so are people's needs.

The problem, I have found, is the authentic me is suffering.  I love to read, yet I rarely find time.  I love to write, but until today, it has just been an aching nagging pull away from what is "really important."  I love to plant flowers, decorate, and create healthy foods.  I have done none of those things in all of my "busy-ness" lately and it leaves me feeling depressed and deprived.

Today is the first day, that I actually don't have an agenda.  So I have read, and I have written, and made a healthy lunch for my son and his buddy.  As I listen to the traffic outside, and my son laughing as he plays with his friend, I know I am blessed for this moment in time.  It is rare, and I am grateful.

I don't have a big house, or a handsome husband, or an expensive wardrobe, or even much cash in my wallet.  I do, however, have this moment in time.  A moment for me.  A moment to feel grateful for what I do have:  beautiful, healthy children, a full stomach, a warm bed to sleep in, a hot shower, holiday plans, great friends, and a future with all the promise in the world.  I have precious little, yet so so much more!

I am making a promise to myself today, more authentic me and less worry about letting the balls drop.  When everything is said and done, it will be the moments like this that will add up to whether I was truly successful.

I encourage anyone who reads this to find a quiet moment and ask yourself "what does the authentic me need?"  Meet that need.  Understand what a blessing that is.  Say your prayer of gratefulness.  THEN get back to the business at hand.

Meeting your needs has nothing to do with being self-indulgent, and everything to do with being a healthy and vital part of a very big picture.

The Jerny forward never ends

Well, to avoid legal wrangling, I deleted two and a half years of writing off of this blog.  I didn't save any of it.  Not one word.  There was a lot of pain, and growth, and love in those blogs.  I always tried to write with a spirit of helpfulness and perspective. It is my hope that at least one person out there read something that they needed, at the moment they needed it most.  It is why I write.  I know I am not unique, and I know that what I have experienced in my life is nothing compared to what some others have had to endure. There is nothing really special about me, other than that...  I am me.  It took me a long time to like her and accept her, but now I look forward to spending the rest of my life growing with her, instead of in spite of her.  Maybe I can help someone else do the same.

I do not regret deleting all my posts.  I think the past is better left in the past. Although there was some really terrific writing in there, I also know that my mind never stops working and I never stop growing.  So with that, I open up the laptop and let my fingers begin anew.  Sharing my experience is not intended to attack anyone, it is intended to make peace with people and situations...to move forward and evolve.  In the past, I was trying to make sense of what happened to me.  Now, I am just trying to find purpose.  To make sense of what is next.

I am opening a  new chapter in the process of growing toward God.  Each day presents fresh opportunity and fresh perspective.  I am grateful for another day, and I am embracing the challenge of fresh blogging.  I I am grateful for the gift of words; grateful for an opportunity to share.  As an external thinker, who's brain never stops running, blogging is an outlet.  An opportunity to give life to thoughts and ideas, and a way to share hope, faithfulness, and a little humor.

Whether anyone reads this is immaterial.  The Lord knows what is in my heart.  This is an expression of who I am and who He created.  This is my legacy I will leave behind.  My children will have the opportunity to read, and learn, and share with their children.  It is all I really have to offer them.